Official Communiqué #117-B: Routine Overnight Operations
Filed by: Office of Communications and Civic Broadcasting
Status: Cleared for Public Distribution
Time Stamp: 03:42 AM, Standard Hobart Time (SHT)
Inquiries have been received regarding the presence of the Midnight Sanitation Crew operating along Court Street in the early hours. The Office of Public Information and Civic Broadcasting would like to clarify:
- Yes, the street sweeper is supposed to be there.
- Yes, the operator is certified by the Department of Nocturnal Maintenance and has all necessary bones.
- Yes, the cat has clearance.
- No, we are not accepting applications to ride along at this time.
- Yes, the sign says “Closed for Inside Weather.” We do not have to explain what that means.
- No, the cameras are not watching you. They are recording you.
Residents are reminded that after-hours sanitation is a standard municipal service. Any phenomena observed during these operations such as reflections behaving oddly, unusual corn-based infrastructure, or unexpected flyers are to be noted quietly and not spoken aloud in front of infants, livestock, or elected officials.
Please avoid standing directly beneath utility poles marked with a NO LURKING placard. The ordinance is clear.
We thank you for your cooperation in keeping Hobart comfortably unexplainable.
For internal use only: If the sweeper makes contact with the courthouse shadow again, deploy Protocol Shovel-7 and notify the mayor, wherever she may be.
🛰️ End transmission.
J. King
Press Secretary
Village of Hobart
Office of Public Information, Civic Broadcasting, and Fax Compliance